Hi-Ya!

It is that time of year again where American middle class suburb parents unite for the purpose of enhancing our children's lives by cluttering the family schedule with some form of paid, organized activity.

Soccer: let's twirl in the backfield or run as close as possible with the other players in a blob.

Basketball: run, pass, dribble, miss; repeat.

Maggie decided it was time to stretch the girls horizons once again, "How about we sign you up for tennis?" she brought up in the car tonight.

"I don't want to do tennis, I want to do Kung-Fu."

It sounds as if the girls were together on this one.

Not Right

I happened a reason to take my glasses off for a moment tonight, sticking the temple in my mouth for barely a moment.

What concerned me is that the end of the glasses tasted good, a sweet honey flavor. I cannot begin to justify this reality or properly determine how I ought to have handled the situation.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip – Day 12: Daily Notables

Pikes Peak – 14,110 feet, 18 mile drive each way, including slight altitude sickness, being on level with the clouds, donuts made ‘World Famous’ by their retail location (not their flavor), Bighorn Sheep with little horns, potential Saskwatch sighting, brakes clocking in at 470°F at the check-station on way down (slightly exceeding their 300°F recommended limit).
Cliff Dwellings – where the kids climbed in, out, over and around an Anasazi Indian homesite circa 1,200 B.C., or maybe a Pueblo Indian homesite circa 1,400 A.D., or possibly a European Capitalistic Colonist’s recreation of one of the above circa 1890’s; I am honestly not sure which. I am happy it was available for some major games of hide-n-seek.

La Junta, Colorado KOA (aka La Junta Hertz Car Rental, aka La Junta Christmas Store), located halfway between here and there, where one wonders what possible reason the other nightly visitors are here, and where we are staying in a Kamper Kabin next to the path to Walmart.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip – Day 11: Daily Notable

We have 413 books in the car, because apparently we don’t have much else to do on this trip. One of the books in Eliza’s bag is "100 Days of School", centered on the first 100 days of school.

Today, Eliza used this book to practice counting to 100.

“... forty-eight, forty-nine, fivey, fivey-one, fivey-two, fivey-three...”

Should we correct her, or enjoy the cute?

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip – Day 11: Cave Man

Manitou Springs, CO is the same tourist trap as Helen, GA, except that it is located in Colorado, which makes all the difference. Today we traversed a small section of Cave of the Wind, named for the sound wind made over its entrance, attune to blowing over the top of a Coke bottle. They built the Visitor Center over the top of said entrance, and now it doesn’t make any sound; but I digress.

Halfway through the cave tour (after I had stopped to take a picture, lost sight of the people in front of me – including two of my children – and rushed to catch up only to find that I had missed a turn and was now in a different tour group, sans children), Garrett reached in and pulled out a tooth, which surely is one of the more unique forms of voluntary enamel extraction.

Flat broke after spending all of his cash on very high quality trappings, Garrett realized that the Tooth Fairy was his very own Payday Loan store. He doesn’t like dollar bills, as they fail to bling, and we were out of quarters, owing to our washing machine habit. Maggie resorted to covertly exchanging six nickels for each quarter from the kids before bed to get the needed change to make the appropriate transfer.

FYI, the going rate in the Bowling house is a dollar, owing to the weakness of the US currency and flattening markets.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip – Day 11: Accolades

A quick word of pride for my daughter Louise, who has the same fears we each face, but does so with greater resolve than anyone her age I have ever known, including myself. She emulates the family saying: “Fear on the inside, Courage on the outside.”

Today, she practically begged for the opportunity to climb a high ropes course and traverse its limits. The leader encouraged me to follow Louise to make sure everything went well (as she was only ½” over the minimum height). After the second element, she turned to me and told me to stay back, “I do better when you are not near me.”

I realize her independence will cause her (and me) some heartburn and unnecessary failures, but I am impressed by her all the same.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip – Day 11: The Line

At 11:00pm tonight, as I headed to the bathhouse of our campground to brush my teeth, I happened upon a couple (the wife holding a flashlight and the husband a wet-nap), as they were wiping the derriere of their Shitzu.
I’m not sure what to say.
I realize that pets have increased their individual value in modern days, and I don’t want to open an avenue of discussion on the appropriateness of $X000s surgeries to extend the life of a pet who is more at peace with their death than we are, but at some point, if you are on vacation in your motor home, and are forced to get out of bed to manually wipe you dog’s ass…
There must be a line somewhere, somewhere very near here.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip – Day 9: Best Party EVER

A scheduled highlight of our trip was to be in Denver this weekend for Maggie’s Aunt Kathy’s 30th birthday party / reunion. Children generally suffer during adult birthday parties, and fare much worse at family reunions, either being relegated to the “BE QUIET!” zone or subjected to endless strings of irrelevant comments (“look how big she’s gotten”, or “the last time I saw you, you were in diapers”).

Props to Great Aunt Kathy however, as this party was packaged with six 9th cousins (3rd removed), a large cake, negligible parental oversight (as we each assumed the other parent was acting as the responsible party) and a huge pool. What put the party’s status over the top was a water slide. Three lifeguards made it all possible, ensuring that 10 kids running in and out of the pool and slide were safe and cared for.

The Bowling kids were in an exhausted bliss at midnight, when we finally drug them into the car and to Cousin Kelly’s house for R and R.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip - Day 7: Daily Notable

In preparation of our death-defying journey up the tramway and down the alpine slide (run by those who originated such adventures in Gatlinburg, Tn) in Keystone, SD (where they make beer for cool rednecks), Garrett turns to Mags, “Are you going to duct tape us on the slides?” Pause. It’s been a long time since we duct taped Garrett to anything for an extended period of time; why did this come up now? Pause, observing our surroundings, “Video tape, Garrett. No, we are not going to VIDEO tape you on the slide today.”

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip – Day 7: Forget the Teepee

In a half-planned change of plans, we set off after spending the afternoon tubing in the local creek and eating supper along its banks to Cheyenne, WY. It was determined that losing the $35 pre-payment for the 2nd night at the teepee was not a sufficient deterrent to our heading to our next destination. We weren’t sure where that destination would be, and had to wait through a 2-hour drive into Wyoming before cell coverage allowed us to reserve our next KOA Kamper Kabin, but it was pretty clear from more than one family member that the teepee wasn’t the bedding of choice – something to do with the ratio of spiders to wife.

The kids have been pretty remarkable through seven days of travel; but to give all of us a treat, we let the kids watch a movie during the car-ride.

As it finished, and the sun finally set over the eternal skyline, it was time for the kids to sleep through the final 1.5 hour drive. As soon as it was announced that it was bedtime, Garrett started grunting… a mixture of a mild gasp for air and a forced growl… what you would hear from a USA Up-All-Night movie actor.

“Go to sleep!”… 5 minutes of grunting. Upon questioning him, “It started hurting at the end of the movie”… I’m not buying it. Five more minutes of grunting and I give him a placebo and water. Realizing he isn’t getting the desired results, Garrett begins to go into labor. A Rest Area presented itself, and it seemed the wise thing to stop.

Upon parking, Eliza perks up, “Are we there!”
“No, we’re stopping to let Garrett poop. He’s going to poop or throw up, one of the other.”

“He can do both of them.” I suppose she’s right, although I haven’t seen that one done before.


Postscript – he pooped plenty, and skipped merrily back to the car.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip - Day 7: Daily Notables

Eliza: “Mom, why does a skeleton have holes in its head?”
Garrett, interrupting before mom can answer, “Because it’s missing its eyeballs!”
Eliza, elated at this answer, “Get it!?!”
Not yet.

Eliza: “Mommy, what comes out of a Wazoo?”

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip - Day 7: Welcome to America

Walking stride in stride down the thoroughfare of Mt Rushmore’s viewing area with a Japanese couple. He is speaking in rhythmic tones, rather interesting to listen to, which is why I am eavesdropping. Every 5-10 seconds, the cadenced Japanese is interrupted with “Crazy Horse” (a similar sculpture to Mt. Rushmore not far down the tracks). The tone is not “Crazy Horse”, as in “Hey, Crazy Horse, come on over for a Sunday lunch” or “You know Crazy Horse, he’s crazy.” But rather, “CRAZY HORSE, you b*st*rd! I will get even if it is the last thing I do.”
This continues for 4-5 repetitions, while the wife listens quietly to her husband’s obvious disagreement with this long-dead Sioux, until the next discernable statement is “Water Slide”, said without the same vigor, at which point two random Japanese children come out of the woodwork yelling “Yeah!” It is like a scene from a Miyazaki film.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip - Day 6 – Wall Drug

Wall Drug.
What do you say about Wall Drug?
It is Wall Drug, the original tourist trap, serving free ice water since 1931. A series of separate looking stores all contained within one establishment, including boot store, gold jewelry store, t-shirt shop and chapel.
We got the patches, the free bumper sticker, 4 bottles of wine, 5¢ coffee, a coffee mug, and half-dozen donuts good enough to slap your momma.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip - Day 5 Daily Notables

Bought two game-piece boards of Interstate Bingo at the Corn Palace; you mark off objects as you see them (overpass, tractor, 18-wheeler mud-flaps with the women silhouettes). With the kids in the back and the parents not paying attention, the child most willing to create their own truth has the best chance of yelling 'BINGO'.

Congratulations Louise for your 5-game winning streak.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip - Day 6: Irony

Emily to Louise, “I’ve decided our special power is going to be mind-reading.”
Louise, “What?”
Emily, “Mind-reading.”
Louise, “What?”
Emily, “Mind-reading. Our special power is that we can read people’s minds.”
Louise, “What?”
Emily, “Never mind.”

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip - Day 6: Don’t be a Poser

Tonight was the 2nd time I have been fooled by the promise of sweet tea. One should know that foreigners do not know how to make sweet tea, and that when you leave the homeland, you must make do with unsweet or whiskey.
I blame myself: I know the rules and had every logical reason to question my ears, but when a restaurant claims they serve sweet tea, and you’ve driven a long way with four kids, you get weak-minded, and make mistakes that would embarrass your forefathers.
I also blame the communists who invented Gold Peak products, developing their syrup-based ‘tea-beverage’ in a Siberian industrial lab and distributing their non-carbonated soft drink to unknowing restaurateurs around America. I give the Frenchies a pass; no one is gullible enough to pass off Nestea as anything other than what it is.
I realize the temptation to drink non-brewed tea; your tea-fast has weakened you, and the waitress smiles so nice, and it seems rude to ask if the tea is brewed or some hostile upstart; I implore you to hold strong and stay faithful to the Luzianne of our parents, grandparents, and the Disciples.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip – Day 6: South Dakota, You Are Welcome

In typical Bowling-fashion, we bypassed the Rapid City metropolis with its two modern hotels for Hot Springs, town of 891 people on the far end of Mt Rushmore. We also decided a Teepee would be an adventure within an adventure. Allen Guest Ranch was happy to oblige.
It is safe to say that Allen’s website was a bit misleading. Clocked at 0.43 miles from the cinder-block bathhouse (measured via the car odometer by my wife), the teepees where not exactly what one would call ‘clean’, ‘not-musty’ or ‘infestation-free’. I spent the first 20 minutes grabbing and tossing grand-daddy long-legs from the inner walls; an activity repeated every two hours throughout the night.
And since we decided to camp in a tube with a hole in the roof and another on its side, it rained 1.5” as soon as we unpacked and began to set up. I suppose if we had washed our car, a monsoon would have happened upon us. For a high desert town that receives 14” of rain per year, I do believe we deserve your thanks.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip, Day 4 - Monday, Aug 1: The Big Road

"Mom, you said we're done driving"

It is 2pm, and we're turning right at Topeka and heading north. Topeka isn't on our scheduled route, but this abstract news item from the previous 3 months has revealed its relevance: the Missouri River is at record flood levels. The Interstate is closed, State Routes are closed, County Roads are closed... with a quick prayer of Google-Map thankfulness, we wind our way onwards.

It is 5pm, and we pull into Platte River State Park, somewhere near Lincoln. The temp gauge on the car read 105°F for the previous four hours, but surely it exaggerates. Besides, tonight is 'skip the A/C'd cabin and sleep like the natives night'... in a teepee, the teepee that Eliza and Garrett came just short of peeing themselves over. Unsure what to do, tired from the unexpected driving, and just-plain-hot, we send the kids to the pool while we mull it over. The kids swim until the pool closes, we feed them at the picnic table, swing by the bathhouse for a quick shower, and head north out of the park. It is 8pm, and the temp has dropped to 98°F.

"Mom, we're on the big road! Where's the teepee?"

Delay while we try and get further up the road ("Should we tell them?" "Might as well"). We're heading further north. Forget the fees we've paid; forget that we don't know where we're going; forget that the obvious roads are closed. We are driving north into the night and we'll figure it out when we get there.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip - Day 5 It’s like Candyland

“Whatever,” she responds when I explain that our next stop is the Corn Palace, a building made out of corn.
“Do you remember Hansel and Gretel, who ate their way out of the witch’s gingerbread home to escape? This is the same, except we have to eat our way into the building.”
She doesn’t buy it.
And in reality, while the Mitchell, South Dakota Corn Palace is worth the stop, it isn’t actually made of corn. Put away your visions of the Norwegian Ice Palaces being created each winter by European’s finest ice-sculpture artists. The Corn Palace is the local High School basketball gym, with the inside and outside walls covered with corn cobs in various murals, like a stucco job gone awry.
We did get a 12-gallon bag of popcorn covered in Cheeto cheese for $4.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip - Day 5 Daily Notables

Garrett to Eliza, explaining his superhero powers: “I’ve got Waterpoo Power in my hands to keep my body from getting hurt.” I’m just proud he’s added this clearly valuable power to the superhero compendium.

Eliza, opening her duffle bag, “Hey, Emily put her jammies in my bag!”
Garrett, “Yeah, Emily is a sneaker.”

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip - Day 5: Being an Artist Comes at a Price

Salem, South Dakota

There are certain advantages to one's choice of residence. A New Yorker gains first access to the world: Broadway, music, fashion… but must live in close proximity with the masses of humanity. A Cajun’s taste buds live in the luxury of Po Boys, etouffee, boudin, Tabasco… but must live with other Cajuns and an unreal quantity of bugs. And if you choose the Great Plain States, you embrace Americana, with open skies, the world’s food supply at your feet, and distance everywhere you turn.
This distance has its own price, impressing itself on each resident, molding them in both subtle and distinct ways. For the artist Porter, political science major turned sheep farmer turned metal sculpture artist living in a trailer amidst his work (searching for something), 28 years of the Great Plains has made its mark on both him and the landscape.
(insert link to picassa album of photos)

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip - Day 4: Underwater Jazz Hands

2011 is the Year of the Fish.

The Bowling children can now be brought to the pool without a parent in the water with them, and possibly without a parent paying full attention to them (not that such would occur; especially not in the world of the Kindle, the iTouch or the other poolside mom-talks).

A year of freedom, of being able to swim when you want to, and take a break when you don't, without fear of impending death as soon as you take your eyes off of the brood.

Emily and Louise participated in Swim Team, learned to dive, and are experimenting with gill-transference.

Garrett has added 'ability to swim' to his historical 'not afraid to swim'.

Eliza has bowed to sibling peer-pressure, let go of the side of the pool, and found that she can flounder with the best of them.

Proud parents we are. And this pride has been deepened by Garrett's latest show of aquatic skillz. While holding his breath and going underwater, in the deep end, he sinks to the bottom of the pool, suctions his feet to the pool floor, raises his arms in the air, and gives us all the Jazz Hands. Words do not translate the joyful pride G-man has in this feat. He is already discussing his next move, which apparently he is practicing in his spare time and plans on unveiling any day now.

We'll keep you informed of its development, as well as his.

Bowling 2011 Roadtrip, Day 4: KC

Props to Kansas City for recovering from the St. Louis fiasco. Whereas St. Louis reminded me of ATL in 1988, KC was a modern Columbus, GA, clean, vibrant, interesting. I wish the Royals had been on a homestand.

And while I do not care to make a habit of it, KC pulled off gourmet BBQ. As a proper Southerner, I don't see the point in getting all uppity about comfort food. But when in Rome...